The Last Word, or Wordplay
by SheherazadeSohma
Summary: You could never have the final word in a conversation with Yuuko Ichihara. Because that just simply wasn’t done. A vexing game of wordplay with Yuuko-san. Sort of sequel to A Different Side of Me. Donuts.


**Disclaimer: **I wouldn't dream to claim the magnificence of CLAMP's xxxHolic as my own. I only own this story.

This isn't exactly a sequel to _A Different Side of Me_, but there are quite a few references to it.

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**The Last Word**

or

**Wordplay**

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There were many things a person could not do with Yuuko Ichihara.

You did not defy Yuuko. Or rather you could…at your own peril.

You did not question Yuuko. Unless you questioned and knew not to expect a proper answer.

You did not try to predict Yuuko. Because it was terrifying to even contemplate what she might be thinking.

And most of all, you could never get have the final word in a conversation with Yuuko. Because that just simply wasn't done.

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"Watanuki…"

An ordinary day, an ordinary hour, with the usual tasks done by extraordinary people. Watanuki was quietly polishing silver and buffing elegantly decorated wooden chopsticks on the kitchen table; Maru and Moro were cutely watching in childlike fascination was the dull rags worked the utensils to a brilliant shine; and Yuuko was watching serenely from the counter, smiling softly. She had hoisted herself atop the counter, and taken possession of the cookie jar, and was feeding cookies to eager Mokona and Mugetsu in turn. With her soft light green kimono and her legs flashing cheekily as she slowly swung her legs on the counter, she looked unusually innocent and girlish today.

Such a lovely atmosphere.

"Yes, Yuuko-san?"

"I know this is a bit of a random topic…but how far have you gone with Doumeki?"

Watanuki yelped, choked on air, and slammed into the back of his chair, overbalancing and tumbling backward as several chopsticks flew into the air, clattering across the room.

Well, that didn't last long.

"Yuuko-san—" With much stumbling and heavy wheezing, Watanuki hauled himself up to the table's edge. "—there's no way I heard what I think I heard you say, right? 'Cause that's a bit intrusive and—and ridiculous even for you, right? Right Yuuko-san?" he panted nervously.

"Oh, you heard me perfectly well, dear Watanuki-kun," Yuuko purred lightly. She popped another shortbread cookie into Mokona's waiting mouth. "How far has your relationship with Doumeki-kun progressed? You've kissed…obviously…" Her eyes immediately zoned in on her young charge's neck.

"_Obviously!"_ chimed Moro.

"_Obviously!"_ chimed Maru.

"Watanuki was attacked!" Mokona giggled. "By a vampire with a hundred eyes!"

He promptly clapped his hand over his neck. You couldn't see the love bites with his uniform's black collar covering it, but they all knew they were there. Watanuki's pride still smarted from Yuuko's first remarks the day after he and Doumeki had confessed to each other.

"_Here's your bottle of sake from Doumeki, Yuuko-san."_

"_Thank you, Watanuki." Her rosy eyes squinted in question. "Watanuki…"_

"_Yes, Yuuko-san?" Oh God, was she going to launch into the questions? Because she just had to know about Doumeki and him; Yuuko knew everything! He would let Mokona eat him if he was wrong._

"_Would you like to borrow some garlic from the kitchen, or pure water from the well? Perhaps a crucifix, I know I've got one lying somewhere in the storeroom. Should I go so far as to give you a stake?"_

_His expression was adorably clueless. "Um, uh, why?"_

_Rose sharpened to wine red as her eyes lit up slyly and her mouth contorted in a smirk._

"_Someone with vampiric tendencies seems to have latched onto you."_

_Watanuki sputtered in horror and fumbled at his parted collar. Doumeki had stolen a few last moments with him before he had to go into the shop, and their activities had left his uniform in disarray, showing off red marks on his neck._

"_Th-th-th-that's none of your business!"_

"_Oh ho ho ho ho ho! So you don't want any countermeasures then; can't say I blame you!"_

"_YUUKO-SAN!!"_

Watanuki blushed brightly. "It's still none of your business, Yuuko-san!"

She waved her hand airily, sweeping away his protests as per usual. "It's important to have someone in your life to consult on this sort of matter, especially if your parents aren't in the picture. If you don't, you'll come to a standstill, and your relationship won't progress and prosper. You might even go backwards; you don't want to be a backwards person, do you Watanuki?"

"Yuuko-san—"

"Of course you don't! So, you've got kissing down…how about more intimate ministrations? More importantly, have you gone on a proper date yet? Spent time bonding over something other than physical pleasures—the emotional closeness is just as important as the physical side of things, never let one overwhelm the other. But if you really need help with physicality, I can direct you to a few informative guides—"

"YUUKO-SAN!!"

"Oh, precious Watanuki-kun!" Yuuko gushed. Her legs went from swinging childishly to crossing themselves, showing off a daring bit of thigh. "So innocent in so many ways!"

A faint call came from the front door; Watanuki didn't hear it, but Yuuko nodded to Maru and Moro, who happily scampered away.

"Please quit it, I don't need advice!" He began to pick up the scattered chopsticks; he was too furious to look into his interfering employer's titillated, smiling face. "We're doing just fine handling things ourselves!"

"But events become so much more_ interesting_ if you have a meddling third party."

"You'll never quit, will you?"

"Ask me to quit breathing, Watanuki—I'd sooner comply with that."

"Yo."

For the second time in as many minutes, Watanuki choked on air. Nowadays he loved the sight of Doumeki—except when his lover's entrance was fire to the powderkeg that was his and Yuuko's argument.

"Doooumeki-kun!" She clapped her hands in delight. "As always, you have impeccable timing! I was just asking your boyfriend some questions—"

"—Which you better not answer if you want your hunger satisfied! _Either_ hunger!" Watanuki ground out pointedly.

"Maybe you should pay attention to him," Yuuko drawled slyly, "or he might give you a stake in the heart."

Doumeki blinked. "Stake?"

"Oh yes, we forgot to inform you that you're a hundred eyed vampire; you missed that conversation."

"Vampire?"

"It wasn't a conversation! She's talking nonsense!"

"But if you're good, he might give you the stake tonight in a more pleasurable place than the heart. Hmm, I take that back, you'll probably be doing the staking the first time, but I can see you two taking turns—"

"My God, Yuuko-san, I beg you to shut up!" Watanuki yelled in horror. He felt like ripping his hair out and digging his grave.

Doumeki was oblivious. "…I guess he could give me steak, but I asked for katsudon tonight."

Watanuki slammed his head on the floor, weeping in silent gratitude that his lover had such well-timed moments of idiocy.

Yuuko smirked. "How do you like your steak?"

"Well-done."

"I'm sure Watanuki also likes it done well."

"_In the name of all that's good and pure, would you STOP!?"_

"Am I missing something?" Doumeki queried.

"Utterly."

"But don't try to find it!" Watanuki commanded, giving his infamous, imperious finger-point.

Doumeki held up his hands in defense. "I just came to pick you up. No need to bite my head off."

"What an interesting idea…"

"Yuuko-san, you're being border-line disgusting!" her employee choked out, face red as a tomato.

"And you're behaving like a ninny," she retorted breezily, "so I think we're even. Doumeki, let me put it in terms you might better understand—"

"Absolutely not!"

"Hush, child. Doumeki, what_ base_ have you reached in your relationship?"

Doumeki's face was blank. Then:

"Fourth."

_"What the hell!?"_

"Oh ho ho! Doumeki-kun, you dog, you!"

"A dog with a hundred eyes! A dog with a hundred eyes! Grr!" Mokona cried, bouncing from cabinet to cabinet in glee.

The expressionless archer found himself with a face-full of growling, pissed-off Watanuki.

_"We definitely haven't done—a—a home-run, you moron! Whatever possessed you to say that?!"_

"Well…a home-run's a good thing, right? And our relationship is great."

Dead silence reigned.

"You…" Watanuki gaped for a moment. "…have no idea what a home-run really means, do you?"

"It's what you want to get in baseball, right?"

"And I thought Watanuki was innocent."

Watanuki yanked his head kerchief off and threw it to the floor. "That's it, I'm leaving! I'm completely fed up with the entire world right now!"

"That would be best, Watanuki," Yuuko said solemnly. "You do seem a bit strung out."

"And you can put all the silverware back yourself!" he spat defiantly, marching past Doumeki and Yuuko, steam practically hissing from his ears. Mugetsu latched on to his shirt and nuzzled him, trying to calm him down.

"Fine."

Watanuki was five steps from the kitchen when his employer called out in a sing-song tone:

"Wa-ta-nu-ki."

He stopped and screwed up the last remnants of his patience.

_She's your boss, she's your boss, she's your boss, and she can hex you to hell and back if you don't watch it._

"Yes?"

"For dinner tomorrow night, I feel in a Western sort of mood."

Oh God.

"How about baked potatoes, green beans, and…steak?"

"Nnnnn—GAH!"

And that was the end of that.

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Back in the kitchen, Doumeki glanced at Yuuko.

"He's going to have a coronary if you egg him on like that."

The witch chuckled. "So, you were wise to my innuendo."

"Not at first, but somewhere between biting my head off and your dinner request, it hit me. But you must have known already. You seem to know everything."

"Why thank you," she purred. "Then it goes without saying that you know about relationship bases?"

The archer graced her with a rare smirk. "I don't have much personal experience with the bases, but I'm no newborn lamb."

"Then why did you say you'd struck a home-run?"

The smirk turned slightly predatory. "He's cute as hell when he's angry."

"Isn't he just?" Yuuko giggled maniacally. "But seriously…"

"We haven't really gone past first, if you must know, but that's fine with me. We're taking it slow. He isn't ready to tell me he loves me, and if he's not ready to say that, I don't think he's ready for anything else."

"The words of a wise man," she replied with a judicious nod. "Doumeki-kun…"

Her serpentine hands glided forth and hooked into Doumeki's collar, gently drawing him near.

"I have a secret." She pressed a finger to her lips. "Can you keep it?"

He nodded.

"I'll ease off on the teasing for a while, because I don't want him to clam up. I want him to talk to me, ask me for advice (though I shall need to deduct small payments), and guide him. Because I want you two to have the best possible chance at happiness."

"Why?"

"Because I care for the both of you. Most especially Watanuki. And my feelings and small advice are all that I can do for you two at this point. The rest is in your hands."

"You're very fond of him."

Yuuko smiled wistfully. "He is a boy without a mother. I am a woman without a child."

Doumeki stared at her...then removed her hand from his collar and pressed a brief kiss to it.

"Thank you for looking out for him."

And he walked out.

Yuuko stared at the back of her hand bemusedly, showing it off to an inquisitive Mokona on her shoulder. "Men seem to like kissing my hand nowadays. And who said gallantry was dead?"

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A long, long time after that night, when Watanuki had said what needed to be said, and feelings matured and desires ripened, he invited Doumeki to his apartment for the night, and it was awkward and frightening and indescribably wonderful.

And in the morning, they heard a knock at the front door.

Watanuki stumbled out of his room, groggily pulling on a robe. "Just a minute! Oh boy…what a night…" A loopy grin stole onto his face. "Yeah, what a night!"

By the time he opened his door, whoever knocked had vanished. On the front step was a smallish, rectangular cardboard box and a small note taped on top.

"Hmm…?" He snatched the note and read.

_"Why that…that…that…!"_

Doumeki came up from behind him, wrapped a strong arm around his waist and planted a kiss on the crook of his neck.

"What did you order?"

"A large shipment of _'What the hell'_ with a side of abject _humiliation_."

"…Huh." Doumeki slowly tugged on the note scrunched up tightly in Watanuki's fist, trying to pry it out without ripping it.

"That—that—oh God, I give up!" Watanuki slumped back onto Doumeki's chest. "She's right: I will never in my life get the last word when she's involved."

When he finally read it he stared—and let a quiet snicker escape him.

_Watanuki,_

_In commemoration of this blessed event, please accept this order of fine Kobe beef steaks. Dinner's on me! (Though keep in mind that I expect proper compensation for my generosity in the form of a couple bottles of Doumeki's best sake and two dozen daifuku with assorted fillings.)_

_Don't try to protest. You should know by now that you will never get the last word with me; you're still a novice at the verbal thrust-and-parry. Though I expect you'll become much better at thrusting and parrying with the hundred-eyed vampire around._

_P.S. Doumeki, you have now officially reached fourth base._

_/_

_/_

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**Sheherazade's Blah Blah Blah**

**Notes:** **daifuku **are a type of Japanese mochi cakes that can be made with various fillings and are best served with green tea. Doumeki keeps being referred to as **'hundred eyes'** because his surname has the kanji for 'many/hundred eyes' in it.

Thank you for reading _The Last Word_! Or _Wordplay_, I couldn't decide which title was best. I hope you enjoyed it. Please take the time to review, and possibly look at my other works (coughshamelessplugincough). I also have a big thank you for my previous reviewers at the end of this. Now, on to my thoughts about the story…

Oh God bless America, what a surprise! I was in the midst of writing a Bleach one-shot, and for some reason the start of this popped up. So I thought I'd type a bit, get the juices flowing, before going back to Bleach…

…That didn't happen. About 80 percent of this was typed last night, and I've just finished it now. It didn't even go in a direction I thought it would—I had no idea all that innuendo would pop up, I honestly didn't! I thought, would Yuuko really go that far?

Yes. Yes she would.

Think about it: I consider Yuuko as a sort of mother-figure/mentor to Watanuki, and what parent has not taken devilish delight in teasing and torturing their offspring? And since Yuuko is not your average, run-off-the-mill person, she would be an insane, irreverent mother, so in the end I didn't feel the innuendo was out of character that much.

I'm happy this xxxHolic piece popped up; I didn't think I'd post another xxxHolic piece until I solidified a plot for the (Prequel? Background story?) of _A Different Side of Me_, Yuuko and Alistair's story.

And I should add this while I'm on the topic of solidifying plots (I'll also add this to my upcoming Bleach one-shot, _Shinigami Eyes_ in my _Words in Song and Rhyme_ collection): I haven't abandoned _The Juunishi Host Club_. I could never abandon it. It's my (atrociously neglected) baby, my first fanfiction story, and it will be continued in the near future. Christmas break is coming up soon, so I plan to come solidify my plot from Chapter Twelve on to the end of the story, which won't be for a long long while from the looks of things. I have quite a few ideas for silly hijincks, but I want to insert information relevant to a strong plot within each chapter, instead of having a ton of filler chapters, then BAM here's a ton of plot points! So if any of you here are _Juunishi Host Club_ readers, please bear with me. I want to write a few chapters at a time, so you won't have to wait so long in between chapters.

Finally, thank you everyone who reviewed/favorited/alerted _A Different Side of Me_! I was greatly surprised to see my little three chapter story racked up so many reviews so quickly! Much thanks to **pocksynightmare, strange'eagle, ERDG-Fiji, Sweet-With-Talent, jellyD, Kashuneko, Saina Tsukino, Panzy Mistress, Kinoshita Kristanite, Keri, kenarbes, yuMeNami, .xXxRoCk aNgELxXx., MoonBeam, TenshiGosuperu, September's Nobara, Angel of Lavender, asagohan-no-bento, Hell's Ice heaven's Fire, Raging Psyco, Thoughtless7 TehSpookyWaffle, anon azure, and XxxblackpearlxxX** for reviewing.


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